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| Coping & Surviving | In Loving Memory of Thomas | Funeral Arrangements | Updates - Journal | Pictures | Charity Events | May 15 |

Coping & Surviving SATURDAY - November 25, 2006 Today you would have turned 40, but you are ageless now, my darling. We celebrated your day with lots of happiness, food, true friends and lots of love. You are truly remembered on this day as all the days past and future. Happy Birthday, sweetheart I love you baby. xoxo THURSDAY - August 24, 2006 "Apart from the low hum of the fan of this computer and slow sound of the traffic in front of the house as Brooklyn is in Laa Laa Land dreaming of gumdrops and dancing. I am alone. A warm empty feeling feels my chest and I breath heavily. A heavy feeling in my body... a scare passes through my veins. Farmer is gone and he would never be back. That is the reality even though I can't comprehend the reality. I would never again run my fingers through his soft hair especially after he returns from the barber shop where he got a flat top cut, never share a secret wink across the dinner table at a restaurant, never cry to him when I got home from a hard day at work or when talking about our daughter, never be woken up by his fits of sneezes each morning, never be greeted on Saturday mornings with a cup of coffee and morning kisses in bed, never laugh with him so much that I am crying and then he is laughing harder at me, never fuss with him about whose turn it was to shut the light off in the bedroom, never call him anytime during the day and tell him "Love you baby..can't wait to see you later", never fix his favorite dinner where he would eat 2 helpings and say "thanks honey... that was gooood!", never hold his hand while we are walking around just window shopping while Brooklyn is at school, never lay up under his chin with our arms wrapped around each other watching something on TV but it didn't matter what it was, never again would have to set out his medications in the mornings and evenings, never again will I heard "It'll be ok..we will work it out together", never again will I look into his eyes and tell him that I love him and I am the luckily woman in the world. All that is left is a bundle of memories and his image is so strong within my mind in disbelief. Our vows had been very simple. "to love and to cherish... in sickness and in health....until death to us part"... To stay together for the rest of our lives watching our daughter grow up as we grow old sitting on the front porch of our vacation home up in the mountains as proud grandparents with Brooklyn's family around us inhaling every detail. A dream or plan that anyone within our circle would totally agree was sooo possible. We were best of friends, soulmates, and lovers destined to be together. Unfortunately our dream ended since our Heavenly Father had bigger and better plan for him plus to allow him no more suffering. I am picturing him in Heaven dancing....singing.... laughing... smiling....joyous time...humble time...and peaceful moments. ................................................ MONDAY - August 21, 2006 Brooklyn started her first day of 4th grade last Thursday. That was something new not to talk to her daddy about but she is doing wonderfully. Still haven't really accepted it.. it is just real lonely not speaking with him, tending to him and having him around. Especially in the evenings, I am constantly on the phone talking with my girlfriends and his family. I remind Brooklyn to say her prayers at night and talk to her daddy. I am not angry for what has happened.. I am not asking why.... I just am in denial I guess. Looking through pictures last night made me remember all the good times we shared and treasured throughout the last 18 years of my life. We were definitely soulmates....loved ones... best of friends...and I can't see anyone compared to him. I am so thankful for all the families for their love and support - calling to check on us, doing dinners, getting together on occasions and their involvement with us even with Farmer physically not here. When a rainstorm hits, I think of him....With the stars out in the night sky, I think of him. Even when I cook dinner for Brooklyn and I, I think of them. Speaking of food, after going to the grocery store and putting up the food, I noticed I have things in our pantry that are strictly for him.. his favorite foods which I didn't eat - but I bought and fixed for him. There are still several things of his: clothes, shoes, hats etc that are still in the house that I can't give away yet. I know that he will not be back for them but still I can depart from them yet. Yes, it is a slow process in which I am in no hurry... Brooklyn and I are constantly going through our daily motions of responsibilities and such. We watched TV, eat dinner together and even read and dance together. Being with her constantly keeps me going. There have been times when I need a break but that time will come. His spirit is near and within and I know that he is watching and protecting us with God near his side too. _____________________________________ MONDAY - August 14, 2006 Brooklyn and I have just returned from our toughest challenge and strife - our family vacation. Farmer and I promised to take Brooklyn to the beach before school began and I wasn't going to break that promise. This trip was the hardest ever to come to grips with. I could see him with us from previous trips... acting goofy in the pool...jumping and playing in the waves and just chilling on the sand. It just wasn't the same without the man of my life there physically. But the phenominal time that happened BEFORE we arrive at the beach on Wednesday evening was (1) we saw a rainbow and the end of the rainbow was headed towards the coast (2) I got a "NEW MESSAGE" on my cell phone. When I opened the phone to read the message... it was BLANK with no return phone number. I showed Brooklyn to verify my sanity. It was a sign.. he was there watching and protecting us. This was the 2nd time this has happened.. the 1st time was when all three of us shoot fireworks on July 4th normally. That night I got a "NEW MESSAGE" before his family and I shot fireworks (this will be documented on the UPDATES-JOURNAL page later) Last night on the beach Brooklyn and I wrote in the sand a memorial message to him. "In Loving Memory of our Thomas" 1966-2006 We missed you on this trip Forever Yours We love you before the high tide came in. We both cried... unfortunately I cried more because it just wasn't the same. Brooklyn and I had a good vacation considering. We enjoyed the beach and pool all days....shopped only 1 day (Saturday when it rained all day) and was in the bed around 10:30 and up at 6:00 AM every morning. We are home now but I am now melancholy due to the trip. Tomorrow she goes to work with me since her daycare is closed and then this Thursday is her 1st day at 4th Grade. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~ SONG LYRICS IN REMEMBRANCE THIS SONG REMINDS ME OF FARMER AND I MORE AND MORE SINCE OUR LOVE WAS SO DEEP AND UNCONDITIONAL. BECAUSE THE WAY YOU LOVED ME - Celine Dion For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you Ill be forever thankful baby Youre the one who held me up Never let me fall Youre the one who saw me through through it all You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldnt speak You were my eyes when I couldnt see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldnt reach You gave me faith coz you believed Im everything I am Because you loved me You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love I had it all Im grateful for each day you gave me Maybe I dont know that much But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldnt speak You were my eyes when I couldnt see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldnt reach You gave me faith coz you believed Im everything I am Because you loved me You were always there for me The tender wind that carried me A light in the dark shining your love into my life Youve been my inspiration Through the lies you were the truth My world is a better place because of you You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldnt speak You were my eyes when I couldnt see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldnt reach You gave me faith coz you believed Im everything I am Because you loved me You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldnt speak You were my eyes when I couldnt see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldnt reach You gave me faith coz you believed Im everything I am Because you loved me Im everything I am Because you loved me MY HEART GOES ON -Celine Dion Every night in my dreams I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance And spaces between us You have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on Love can touch us one time And last for a lifetime And never go till we're one Love was when I love you One true time I hold to In my life we'll always go on Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on There is some love that will not go away You're here, there's nothing I fear, And I know that my heart will go on We'll stay forever this way You are safe in my heart And my heart will go on and on